The Smartphone File

While my brother Sherlock is presumably soiling his knees at some muddy crime scene, attempting to decipher the meaning of a footprint – how tiresomely banal! I am dedicating myself to a crime that does not take place in the dirt, but in the hallowed halls of our consciousness.

I call it: The Case of the Deceptive Slumber and the Luminous Accomplice. 

Public opinion, that notoriously unreliable mob, has long since identified the culprit: the smartphone. A digital succubus that robs us of our sleep, night after night. An accusation of such primitive simplicity that it is almost painful. But I, Sherlock MS, always see the hidden patterns that escape the common eye. The truth, my friend, is rarely so simple.

The Crime: A Nocturnal Robbery or a Cunning Deception?

The victim: human sleep, specifically its most restorative phases. The prime suspect: a luminous rectangle of glass and silicon that follows us even under the covers. The charge is the theft of precious sleep time. But when I studied the initial reports mostly subjective interrogations, full of human error and self-deception;  I waved them away. I require facts, not feelings!

Fortunately, my latest informants, a small but select group of 68 subjects, equipped with incorruptible spies named Apple Watch and iPhone provided me with objective data over 14 days. These digital "Baker Street Irregulars" recorded everything: every minute of smartphone use (TSU, or as I call it: "Total Soulless Entertainment") and, more importantly, its use in bed (SUIB – "Sabotage Under In-use of Bedding"). Above all, however, they provided me with insight into the very architecture of sleep itself.

The Investigation: Three Clues to a Perfidious Plot

With a cup of steaming Earl Grey in hand, its complex aroma stimulating my neural circuits, I began my analysis. And what I found was a plot of diabolical elegance.

Clue No. 1: The Foreseeable Descent. It is an almost vulgar causality: the more an individual flirts with the luminous accomplice during the day, the more certain it is that they will take it to bed with them. A simple escalation, which attests to an appalling weakness of will. The culprit effortlessly gains access to the innermost sanctum, the bedroom. An open barn door for the digital fox.

Clue No. 2: The Great Paradox of Prolonged Slumber. And here, my friend, the case becomes truly delicate! The data from my spies prove it beyond a doubt: On days when the luminous accomplice was used in bed, the total sleep duration that same night was prolonged. Precarious! A burglar who doesn't steal, but instead leaves a pound sterling on the victim's nightstand? The charge of simple sleep theft crumbles to dust. It is as if a murderer were to stab his victim and then offer him a cup of strengthening bouillon. What the devil was going on here?

Clue No. 3: The True Nature of the Crime: The Plundering of Sleep Architecture!

Here I had to dig deeper, into the very foundations of sleep itself. I differentiated the evidence:

• Light and Core Sleep (N1/N2): The foyer of consciousness, a sort of waiting room. One is asleep, yes, but it is a superficial affair.
• Deep Sleep (N3): Ah, the holy of holies! The body's workshop, where cellular debris is cleared away and the physical system is restored. Indispensable!
• REM Sleep: The theatre of the mind. Here, emotions are processed and memories are sorted, while the subconscious stages its surreal dramas.

The file revealed the true crime: An increase in core sleep one night led to a significant reduction of precious deep and REM sleep the following night! That is the crucial point! The luminous accomplice does not steal time; it trades gold for lead! It forces the brain into a longer, but qualitatively inferior, sleep.

My Deduction: Not a Thief, but a Forger!

The puzzle comes together. The smartphone is no crude, brutish robber. It is a sophisticated forger, a fraud of the highest order.

Picture it thus: You give your brain a task: "Please restore yourself." The brain normally requires, let us say, seven hours and a certain amount of deep and REM sleep for this. Now you disturb it at its work with the blue light and the endless stimuli of the luminous accomplice. The work becomes inefficient. The repair crews of the holy of holies are thrown into disarray. The result? The brain now needs eight hours for a job it used to complete in seven.

The longer sleep duration is no gift. It is a symptom of inefficiency! It is overtime that the brain must perform because it was sabotaged during its regular working hours.

The Verdict: Guilty on a New, Far More Grievous Charge!

I lean back and take another sip of tea. The case is clear. The smartphone is not guilty of simple theft. I press charges for: Malicious Deception, Sabotage of Neuro-Restorative Processes, and Fraudulent Manipulation of Sleep Architecture.

The luminous accomplice is unmasked. He is not a thief who takes something from us. He is a forger who gives us something worthless in exchange for our most precious resource: true restoration.

Case closed. So, no smartphone in bed.

Your Sherlock MS